New discoveries

I decided today that I would like to do something different. I want to do something that aligns with my passion.

A former employer contacted me today to ask if I was still in my current position. I said yes, but did not press to ask why he was asking. It dawned on me that I should not care why he was asking. It also dawned on me, the question, why should it matter why he was asking. I love my job and I don't care why he is asking. I do love my company and job, but if I am content why am I always searching for the next big thing. I am a seeker. I know this about myself. That's why everything is so piled up around me. I am always seeking more knowledge about something and searching for something exciting and different. Looking and researching. Mainly my research revolves around food. I am always seeking new recipes and new food items. What is the next best thing out there?

My latest challenge involves my decision to bring my diet around to no or lo carbs on a daily basis. I am amazed at the lack of exciting options for lo carb diets, but even more so I am actually dis appointed that with the number people in the world seeking to find such food options, there are not as many items on the market as there could be. The other issue is that if you happen to find something carb light, it unusually tastes like cardboard or roasted chalk. So my mission now, is to find lo carb food items that taste good or as close as possible to the real thing. If this carb light life is to be a lifestyle, we are going to have to find a way to make it edible, to the point that we don't miss the other tastes. So I say no to aftertastes and flower like paste disguised as something good for you. There has to be a way to make this food something good for you and healthy for you . So, I am going to figure out some options and report them back here to this blog. If you have suggestions or ideas, holla back.

Conversations with video games

I was recently on the phone competing with a video game. You ask, "what is she talking about"? Well, I was on the phone, talking with this man that I care for, and I am racking my brain to be natural and witty, when I hear "kaboom", "whizzzz", "kabassh", and "wickeee wizzle". I dawns on me that I am competing for his attention while he plays his video game. He would be perfectly content to sit with one ear to the phone while his mind, heart, and soul are centered on being a super hero. I don't know quite how to take this. Is it supposed to be flattering that he continues to pretend to listen to me prattle on, with occasional responses of "uh huh", "I don't know", and "that's interesting". He doesn't hear anything I say. Then, when I sigh and tell him that I am going to get off the phone by my usual " Welllllllll, I guess I should", he tries to perk up and say something that continues the conversation.



Personally, I would rather he tell me he would rather play his game than talk. To me it feels like he is just appeasing me, so that I can feel like I have some of his attention. I don't know what his response would be if I asked him. He would probably say, "If I didn't want to talk to you, I would not have answered the phone." But, is a one sided conversation actually talking? Do men actually enjoy this odd form of game induced communication/coma. Can it be called communication- is it like the early caveman or the ape in grunt form? Is it an odd sort of mating call or is it placation, as one straddles the fence of youth and being a full adult?

Don't get me wrong, I want him to enjoy his games. I want him to have a hobby, something that gives him enjoyment in his down time, but I am perplexed as to what to feel. Is it a form of flattery towards me because he wants to feel that I am near or for him because I am dumb enough to hang on instead of hanging up? Maybe, I make too much of it and it means nothing at all.

Yearning

It has been a particularly hard couple of weeks for me, in this search for contentment while remaining single and in my worst moments of reflecting on the fact that I am not in a romantic relationship. It can be simple things like rolling the garbage can to the corner or taking out the heavy recycle bin, that reminds me that I may be strong,but sometimes I wish I had a person in my life I could rely upon to help me do certain things. I am reminded of this especially on Father's Day weekend. I witnessed a lot of affection between couples and I thought to myself, I am really happy they have that affection, but I want to have that kind of affection in my life as well.

So in my moment of isolation and feeling sorry for myself (we always get into the most trouble when isolated, alone, or in the dark). I broke down and joined an Internet dating site. I had been thinking about joining this particular site for a while and just went ahead and finished putting in all of the information to sign up. I needed to upload a picture to go with the profile, but I couldn't decide from the two pictures I have scanned into my computer which one to use.

You see, I don't think the pictures look like me anymore. They were taken when I was a bit younger, so my face has indeed changed, but what really doesn't look like me anymore is the young girl in the picture. I think they reflect me at a much more idyllic part of my life when my family was around to take care of me and I didn't want for anything. At this time in my life, that need for care is catching up with me and the need to have someone support me in the dreams of my life is catching up with me as well. I really want to feel affection for someone. I want to feel someones arms around me letting me know everything is going to be alright. I'm not trying to be corny here, I am just trying to be honest to say that as life continues, the need to have someone to share the joys, sadness's, and regular old days with is desired. It's needed. It's a yearning that will not go away.

I thought about all of this, the internet posting, and all of the thoughts in my head that had lead to this moment and I thought is it worth it? Is searching for this love the answer? I have to work my way into it. That means I have to do the things that make me feel confident, so that I feel confident enough in myself to actually have something to offer a great man.

So back to this site. I have several people who are matches or that seem interested/just want to communicate. Apparently, they can see that I am a match, but there isn't a picture yet. When I read the profiles of the different people interested or who seem to be interested, I can't see them until I pay money, but I am intrigued by their profiles. One of the most intriguing is a man that says that once he finds his true partner and soul mate he will love her better than she has ever been loved before. A lot of these men talk big talk, but what I have noticed is that all of them seem to have some ideal for true love and some type of yearning to be fulfilled on a higher level. This love that we wish to share with others, is also on some level a higher yearning to be at one with God. His love is better than any other. His love is everlasting and will never change. His love is the love of the most high, that accepts you as you are and won't ever leave you or abandon you. It is in my weaker moments, those times when I am at my most vulnerable that I have to remember to pray. I have to remember that God knows the desires of my heart and in his time, he will send that man of my dreams. Until then, I go on.

Tip for the day

In devotion today, a lady shared with us that she had been saved for eight years and decided that she was ready for her husband. She prayed to God:

"Lord let him aggressively pursue me, so that I know that he is the one."

The Lord answered her prayer and she was married after a 3 month courtship. I am not saying that God will answer your prayer the same way, but if you are honestly ready, be specific in your requests to the Lord. He will answer in his way, but don't let it be said that "you receive not because you ask not."

In joy,

T

Thoughts for the weekend

It's Friday!!!! That is always a wonderful thing to say, especially after a heavy work week. With all of the stresses and strains of the week, or even the joys of the week, sometimes we wait with baited breath for the weekend. Two days to do as we please. Sigh!!!!! But for some of us, the joy of the weekend is quickly misplaced with I have these two days, but I have nothing planned. I go to church on Sunday, but what to do until then and after? Here are some suggestions, in two categories. Category one is things to do for fun, because I prefer fun to obligation and category 2 is things to do for you and the obligatory stuff that we should do but usually put off. Believe me, if I can think of something fun to do, I am definitely not going to clean the house. In Seattle today, the weather is beautiful and the sun is shining. If the weather holds out through the weekend, don't stay in the house...

For Fun:

1. Go to the park, even if it rains and take a walk. Praise God for the beauty only He could create. Better yet go to the driving range and see how far you can hit a golf ball.
2. Go to an art store or craft store-even if you don't have a creative bone in your body-so you think, and buy some paper and paint. Paint something or go back to finger paints. Do something creative.
3. Go through your recipes or go online and find a recipe for something that is your favorite and make it. Invite others over to bring something and share together. Take out the good silverware, the good plates, the candles- take out the stuff you've been saving for the day that man comes along and use it. You broke up with him, now it's time to find some new things that are special for you.
4. Go to a movie and sit in the front row. Throw some popcorn at the screen (don't get kicked out though!) Just change your perspective-and yes, you can go to a movie alone- you shouldn't talk through a movie anyway.
5. Pick up a newspaper and look at the weekend activities going on in your community. Pick out something, a poetry reading, art exhibit, jazz show, community festival and go!
6. Go to a flower store or nursery and buy flowers, plant them in boxes or in your yard- if you don't want to plant them, buy fresh cut and put them in bunches throughout your house-even bunches that don't match. Celebrate beauty!
7. Pamper yourself by trying a new nail polish color, hair color, makeup color-something you wouldn't normally do. Go to the makeup counter at Nordstrom and have a salesperson try out some spring colors on you.
8. Go to a hotel and have lunch or if you are really feeling it and can- check in for Saturday night. You will feel like you have gone someplace different and you did not have to take a plane.
9. Drive to the ocean or to the rain forest.
10. Go visit someone you haven't talked to or seen for a while.

Because you should:

1. Clean out or organize some areas in your closet. Dress for Success or one of the women's shelters could benefit from this and it gives you a chance to think about what new items you will want for spring.
2. Organize your address book. Put in all of the new addresses or address corrections from all of the Christmas cards you last received. Put them on disk to save them.
3. Rearrange the pictures on your walls. Look and see if you have any undeveloped film that you haven't thought about for a while and get the pictures developed. Put something new up to change the view you see everyday.
4. Change your bed and pillowcases. If you are really feeling fortunate go purchase new linen and a linen spray. Really put something beautiful on your bed and make it into a sleeping sanctuary.
5. Look at your system for paying the bills. If you have paperwork piled up, organize it and put it away or figure out how you can add more to your savings or to a vacation account.

If you don't like any of these suggestions, I have one more. Have a praise party. Pull out your favorite music and dance. Turn off all the lights and just dance. Nobody is watching. Crank it up and just let the music wash over you. Releasing the energy and raising your heart rate will make you feel lighter and drown out the sounds of the world for a while. Turn off the phone and just be. It's healthy and if you start thinking too much, turn the music up louder.

Joy to you!

T

Sistergirl Blog One

Grateful to not be the only one that is perplexed and a bit bothered by the mystery of being single, we decided to come together to talk about it. This blog is for us. The strong, beautiful, talented, intelligent and exceptional women that believe and trust that God is going to send us the one. This is about what we should do in the meantime and how to deal with the everyday thoughts that bring us to the point of questioning God's time.

Me, well let's just say that yes I am tired of waiting. Just like you I have been single for a long time and I find myself questioning myself. I find myself longing for what it seems like others have and wanting what at times seems like I will never have. I have the dreams of perfection, the thoughts that someday someone will come along that will make all of this waiting worthwhile. I have dragged myself down with the disappointment, but one day it dawned on me that I am not the only one. I looked around at church and realized, unhappily, that I was a part of the majority, not the minority. Most of the beautiful sisters in the room were on their own, struggling as mothers, singles, divorced or widowed women, with the same question, "Where is this man of my dreams?" (He might be there, but not as dreamy as we would like-but that's a whole different topic for another day!)

The simple truth is, if we believe in the God we say we believe in, who created us not to be alone but to first be his, the truth is that we already have a man. He's divine. We have a calling upon our lives to do God's work, until the time the earthly man of our dreams comes along. This is not what we want to hear. This is not what I want to hear. The hardest part to accept is that maybe God has answered my prayers to tell me that there isn't going to be someone to come into my life. The thought then becomes, what do I do to live the best life I can in the meantime? How do I find fulfillment and joy without pining for what the world says must complete me? If it is truly my desire to be a part of a couple-how do I wait?

That is what this blog is going to help us to explore. The goal is to support each other and to boost each other up and to remind each other to pray continously until something happens, but believing foremost that he knows the desires of our hearts and that he will never leave us or foresake us, even in the darkest hours when we feel alone. So please, post your thoughts, your ideas, whatever is on your mind. Post about your biggest struggles and post what you are doing to make it through. Trust that you are not alone.

My God bless you to put him first in all things and to let him handle the rest.

T