It has been a particularly hard couple of weeks for me, in this search for contentment while remaining single and in my worst moments of reflecting on the fact that I am not in a romantic relationship. It can be simple things like rolling the garbage can to the corner or taking out the heavy recycle bin, that reminds me that I may be strong,but sometimes I wish I had a person in my life I could rely upon to help me do certain things. I am reminded of this especially on Father's Day weekend. I witnessed a lot of affection between couples and I thought to myself, I am really happy they have that affection, but I want to have that kind of affection in my life as well.
So in my moment of isolation and feeling sorry for myself (we always get into the most trouble when isolated, alone, or in the dark). I broke down and joined an Internet dating site. I had been thinking about joining this particular site for a while and just went ahead and finished putting in all of the information to sign up. I needed to upload a picture to go with the profile, but I couldn't decide from the two pictures I have scanned into my computer which one to use.
You see, I don't think the pictures look like me anymore. They were taken when I was a bit younger, so my face has indeed changed, but what really doesn't look like me anymore is the young girl in the picture. I think they reflect me at a much more idyllic part of my life when my family was around to take care of me and I didn't want for anything. At this time in my life, that need for care is catching up with me and the need to have someone support me in the dreams of my life is catching up with me as well. I really want to feel affection for someone. I want to feel someones arms around me letting me know everything is going to be alright. I'm not trying to be corny here, I am just trying to be honest to say that as life continues, the need to have someone to share the joys, sadness's, and regular old days with is desired. It's needed. It's a yearning that will not go away.
I thought about all of this, the internet posting, and all of the thoughts in my head that had lead to this moment and I thought is it worth it? Is searching for this love the answer? I have to work my way into it. That means I have to do the things that make me feel confident, so that I feel confident enough in myself to actually have something to offer a great man.
So back to this site. I have several people who are matches or that seem interested/just want to communicate. Apparently, they can see that I am a match, but there isn't a picture yet. When I read the profiles of the different people interested or who seem to be interested, I can't see them until I pay money, but I am intrigued by their profiles. One of the most intriguing is a man that says that once he finds his true partner and soul mate he will love her better than she has ever been loved before. A lot of these men talk big talk, but what I have noticed is that all of them seem to have some ideal for true love and some type of yearning to be fulfilled on a higher level. This love that we wish to share with others, is also on some level a higher yearning to be at one with God. His love is better than any other. His love is everlasting and will never change. His love is the love of the most high, that accepts you as you are and won't ever leave you or abandon you. It is in my weaker moments, those times when I am at my most vulnerable that I have to remember to pray. I have to remember that God knows the desires of my heart and in his time, he will send that man of my dreams. Until then, I go on.
